Everyone has had a crush at one point.
You know, that one person whose hair samples you stored in dollar-store, “twee” mason jars?
OK maybe I’m the only person who does that.
Of course, everyone has also wanted to get with their crush and have him or her be attracted to you.
One might say that flirting is a good way to achieve this. But, as someone who’s speaking from experience, FLIRTING DOES NOT WORK. EVER.
By flirting, I mean doing things to make you seem attractive without really talking, like what they tell you to do in women’s magazines.
I’m pretty much living proof that you shouldn’t flirt. Are you ready to here an embarrassing story of mine?
It was 8th grade, by far my most awkward year of my adolescence so far.
There was a guy who I was obsessed with that year. His name was Sugar.
His name wasn’t actually Sugar, it was my totally necessary, mildly suggestive code name for him.
I was also an avid reader of Glamour magazine because I thought it was cool (it wasn’t).
One article talked about “the world’s most effective flirting tip” that “works every time!”
This is what you were supposed to do:
1. Make three instances of quick eye contact with the person over the course of a few minutes.
2. Find an excuse to walk by that person, like throwing away trash or going to the bathroom.
3. When you wait by him or her, look them straight in the eye, look down a little, and smile.
Since I was very stupid at age 14, I thought for sure this would work. I mean, it said in the article that it worked every time.
Whoever said that it worked probably tested that rule out on a group of desperate, single, old men who are on the hunt for young, naïve females because…
THE TIP DIDN’T WORK.
Yes, I tried it on Sugar and this is what happened.
It was history class. I was feeling really confident that day.
With Sugar sitting a couple of seats to my right, this was the perfect opportunity.
I went through my first eye contact. It probably wasn’t that quick.
Second eye contact. I kinda knew that it wasn’t quick.
Third eye contact. Now I knew for sure that one wasn’t quick.
2 minutes later, I “went to go talk to the teacher” so I could walk by him.
As I walked by, I made sure I was sexy, but in a way that passes the middle school sensors.
In my form-fitting, peachy coral (ew) T-shirt and my ugly dark denim skinny jeans, I thought I looked like a 1940s sex symbol.
I have no idea how I got to high school, either.
I wanted to be so tempting, it killed. Instead I was so awkward, it was painful. That’s kind of the same thing, right?
Anyways, I channelled my best 2006 Xtina, propped my elbow on an empty desk near his, looked straight at him, and smiled.
To make matters worse, I also winked AND twisted a lock of hair around my fingers.
He noticed me, alright. You know how I knew he noticed?
With a genuinely disturbed expression on his sexy-at-the-time face, he straight-up told me to stop staring and called me a psychotic you-know-what.
There is a clear moral of this story. Don’t flirt. You’ll look psychotic and you WON’T win him over.
For more on this growing issue, go to http://www.dontflirt.org.*
*dontflirt.org is not a real thing. If I’m wrong and it actually is, then I just gave them free advertising. I’m so nice.