A: What? Nooooo…
Ugh, who would ask such a thing?
Oh wait, I would.
But that’s besides the point. I am NOT basic. What are you talking about?
I listen to so many unpopular, underground artists. I mean, have you ever heard of The War on Drugs? Father John Misty? Lower Dens? Car Seat Headrest? Hinds? Future Islands? Julia Holter? Steven Wilson? Huh? Huh?
Well, never mind the fact that I like a maximum of three songs from each of them and that my actual favorite artists are actually a little more well-known and are signed to major labels. I mean, who cares about that?
Oh, here’s another piece of evidence: I hate the Kardashians. Like, a lot.
Well, there was that one time I saw Khloe at the mall, and I thought about it for about a month. But come on, that’s not that long. I’m sure that there are people who would think about it for years.
And maybe I did insist on walking by and admiring The Kylie Shop when it was at the mall, but at least I didn’t wait in a 10-hour line for it! Well, I couldn’t because EVERYTHING IN THAT STORE WAS TOO DARN EXPENSIVE AND I WAS NOT WORTHY OF THE FRUITS OF THE GODDESS KNOWN AS KING KYLIE, but that’s not my problem.
You know why else I’m not basic? I don’t dress basic.
Mint blue? I would never. Crop tops? My mom would never. Brandy Melville? I would never. Adidas sneakers? I would never. Yoga pants outside the gym? I would never.
Okay, voice in my head, stop. Yes, I have a crap ton of army green, ankle boots, thigh high boots, skirts, maroon, boyfriend jeans, skinny jeans, black jeans, ripped jeans, nineties-looking stuff, tie-front shirts, and pale pink, but I was doing that way before everyone else. Duh. I’m a trendsetter.
Guess what else? I would never go to basic places.
Well, except for the Santa Monica Pier, Disneyland, my local shopping center, Universal Studios, Downtown LA, Malibu, Paradise Cove, In N Out, Melrose, the Commons, my nearby hiking trails, 24 Hour Fitness, and LACMA, but in my defense, I live in Los Angeles. Every place is basic!
At least I travel to obscure hidden gems off the beaten path, right? I’ve been to my cousin’s house in suburban Maryland. That’s not on any Expedia page!
Who cares that I’ve seen someone I’ve known at basically every place I’ve been? They were there because I was there, obviously!
Oh, this one’s the kicker: I don’t say basic things. There!
Wait, the word “basic” itself is “basic?” But there are no other words that convey the same meaning as it does! I’m just attempting to be linguistically correct here, okay?
I stand by my earlier claim. I’m most definitely not basic. You are. Not me. Understood? Understood.